All right, so I wasn’t up to diving back into this. I’ve been incredibly busy in ways that I don’t necessary want to blog about it. Don’t want to be overly morose or divorce-and-tell about a marriage that went sour. Doesn’t feel right. Instead I’ll blog in song. It’s all been very good fodder for songwriting. I’m going to go Elvis Costello “Blood & Chocolate” and write a record about my divorce. Here’s the latest song, first song written and recorded in my new place, which conveniently has an extra office space that I’ve turned into a studio.
Also, in other news, The Golden Calf got a really nice review @ Oxyfication. Click that Golden Calf link and you can read the book for free.
August 15, 2008
July 25, 2008
Legendary
I think I’ve posted this before, but here again it makes sense because it basically explains the story of my marriage. Almost word for word.
July 21, 2008
Hero of the Underground
Tony O'Neill's got a new book out. A memoir he ghosted about a football player who turned dope addict. Actually, not ghosted, withed. I haven't read it yet, but given Digging the Vein was one of the best books I've read in the last ten years, I'm gonna get this one:
Update: Tony O'Neill's started a blog. I may actually get to blogging myself if I can get a moment.
Update: Tony O'Neill's started a blog. I may actually get to blogging myself if I can get a moment.
July 17, 2008
Music Box
Last night I was woken up at 2 a.m. by a music box starting to play, out of nowhere. The sound of a music box is eerie, no matter how nice the song, especially being woken up by it. Last week when my daughter was here, I was beat tired. She very sweetly put a blanket on me, gave me a stuffed animal, and cranked the music box so it would play. Because she rules. There's no reason that the music box should start playing out of the blue a week later after it had wound down. My theory: she was dreaming about the music box, which set the music box going in my place. I ended up dreaming about her.
July 16, 2008
Blue
Writing going well. Not much more to say than that. While listening to:
Also got the check for my car from the insurance company today, which allows me to breathe. Had to shell out a lot of money to move into this place, a larger security deposit than most. But I love the place. Wood floors. Found nice furniture cheap, an entire bedroom set for a girl for all of $200. The move, aside from the car accident, which had its own disguised blessing, had a lot of hints that it was the right thing to do. I’d lost some of my faith that I could will things to be better. Getting diagnosed with a worsening illness was a real fucking insult: you’ve worked very hard, in your life, on your marriage, for your daughter, and here’s your reward. Depressed me horribly around wintertime. But it’s also given me some perspective on what matters, brought back some of my urgency. And the move went in such a way that I’ve felt somewhat taken care of, no matter what’s happening, which is something that I’d pretty devoutly lost.
Also got the check for my car from the insurance company today, which allows me to breathe. Had to shell out a lot of money to move into this place, a larger security deposit than most. But I love the place. Wood floors. Found nice furniture cheap, an entire bedroom set for a girl for all of $200. The move, aside from the car accident, which had its own disguised blessing, had a lot of hints that it was the right thing to do. I’d lost some of my faith that I could will things to be better. Getting diagnosed with a worsening illness was a real fucking insult: you’ve worked very hard, in your life, on your marriage, for your daughter, and here’s your reward. Depressed me horribly around wintertime. But it’s also given me some perspective on what matters, brought back some of my urgency. And the move went in such a way that I’ve felt somewhat taken care of, no matter what’s happening, which is something that I’d pretty devoutly lost.
Tabula Rasa
I love Imeem. Used to be Youtube was the best way to find music, now Imeem. Don’t see how they can post copyrighted material without getting arrested, but in the meantime…I often put this on when I’m starting over in some way. Because of the title and the way it hits the bloodstream.
July 15, 2008
Crash
A picture of my car, a fair estimation of my life. Actually, not that bad. Got a good night of writing in last night. Moved here with a major project to do – over the spring I wrote most of a novel longhand in a notebook. Didn’t want to plug the novel in earlier because I wanted to have the project when I moved in. And last night I finally started. Reworking the novel that I’ve been sitting on for five years. Wrote a screenplay last fall, partially based on that novel, but better mapped together. Using the plot of the screenplay mixed with the ideas, some of the writing, of the novel that never really came together. I’m thinking a screenplay is the best way to outline a novel. At least for me. My dirty secret. So some good things coming from parts of my life getting totally demolished.
July 14, 2008
Amazon
I’ve started selling half my things. The money’ll be nice, but getting rid of the cluttter is also important. Moving 1000 books here was just such a pain in the ass. Those things were bought pre-Internet, back when if you found something in a used bookstore, you had to buy it, because you never knew when you’d see it again. Now you can find anything in five seconds online. Also: CD burners. But don’t tell anyone.
Just a few things listed so far. Might list hundreds. So if you want a copy of the DSM-IV or Joy Division’s Closer, go to it.
Just a few things listed so far. Might list hundreds. So if you want a copy of the DSM-IV or Joy Division’s Closer, go to it.
The New Yorker
Crazy life I am leading now. Back and forth between the person I was when I was twenty-five to being a full-time father the following week. I would be disingenuous to say that I’m not grateful for the space, especially coming out of a difficult time, going on years. I’m a better father when I’m alone, when I can’t rely on anyone else, and she likes the undivided attention. I had her last week in the apartment for the first time, and it went well. She’s adapting as well as possible. Misses me but also likes new things. Her cousin and closest friend are kids of divorce, so it’s not entirely foreign to her. I’m not a kid of divorce, so it’s foreign to me, but a change was desperately necessary.
Here I am single again prepared for anything, divorced with a kid, a different kind of single, with different priorities because much of what single people desire is, in a way, behind me. I think about this a lot because this neighborhood is teaming with single people, young L.A. ambitious types, compared to the neighborhood I came from full of orthodox Jewish families, the women in wigs, their kids off limits, like living in someone else’s country. And now the country I’m living in is full of young hot L.A., very strange, though women don’t make me nervous like they might’ve ten years ago. It’s like - if I knew then what I know now, and I do. But I want a girlfriend not at all, I want to write a book.
I just never managed to be so prolific a writer after my daughter was born. I got some things done, but not when I was in my twenties, holed up like a hermit, with nothing else to think about. I never managed to be one of those people who wakes at five just to get writing in. I tend to write like crazy for a month and then spend more months recovering, but I need that month to get it all down, and it never came b/c my wife and I were always struggling, financially, personally. I’d be lying if I that didn’t weigh on me and the marriage, because it did, I’m human, and an ambitious human. That’s not why the marriage broke up – it was that and many other reasons. Back when I was blogging most profusely, we were in trouble in ways I didn’t mention, but I used the blog to escape it.
…much like I used the primary election in the past 6 months, as the marriage dissolved. Probably best that I didn’t blog then, but I wrote a hell of a lot of Kos comments. As my marriage was sinking, there’s Hillary Clinton, unrelenting and critical of the guy I was supporting, got under my skin like the rest of the country, like souls were at battle. Now I care very little about the election, seeing it as a way for people to feel self-righteous. The New Yorker cover today is a perfect example. The over-sensitivity is very boring, manufactured, not even frustrating. The rest of the election is probably going to unfold the same way. People desperate for an outrage. It just ain’t as fun as the Clintons, who are like fictional characters. The Internet is boring me, but that’s probably for the best.
So…I’m alone in the apartment for a week, two weeks out of every month. I can’t screw this up. I’ve been given some free time, no matter how it came about, and I can’t fail the separation and myself, now that I’ve got to figure out why I’m here on my own.
Here I am single again prepared for anything, divorced with a kid, a different kind of single, with different priorities because much of what single people desire is, in a way, behind me. I think about this a lot because this neighborhood is teaming with single people, young L.A. ambitious types, compared to the neighborhood I came from full of orthodox Jewish families, the women in wigs, their kids off limits, like living in someone else’s country. And now the country I’m living in is full of young hot L.A., very strange, though women don’t make me nervous like they might’ve ten years ago. It’s like - if I knew then what I know now, and I do. But I want a girlfriend not at all, I want to write a book.
I just never managed to be so prolific a writer after my daughter was born. I got some things done, but not when I was in my twenties, holed up like a hermit, with nothing else to think about. I never managed to be one of those people who wakes at five just to get writing in. I tend to write like crazy for a month and then spend more months recovering, but I need that month to get it all down, and it never came b/c my wife and I were always struggling, financially, personally. I’d be lying if I that didn’t weigh on me and the marriage, because it did, I’m human, and an ambitious human. That’s not why the marriage broke up – it was that and many other reasons. Back when I was blogging most profusely, we were in trouble in ways I didn’t mention, but I used the blog to escape it.
…much like I used the primary election in the past 6 months, as the marriage dissolved. Probably best that I didn’t blog then, but I wrote a hell of a lot of Kos comments. As my marriage was sinking, there’s Hillary Clinton, unrelenting and critical of the guy I was supporting, got under my skin like the rest of the country, like souls were at battle. Now I care very little about the election, seeing it as a way for people to feel self-righteous. The New Yorker cover today is a perfect example. The over-sensitivity is very boring, manufactured, not even frustrating. The rest of the election is probably going to unfold the same way. People desperate for an outrage. It just ain’t as fun as the Clintons, who are like fictional characters. The Internet is boring me, but that’s probably for the best.
So…I’m alone in the apartment for a week, two weeks out of every month. I can’t screw this up. I’ve been given some free time, no matter how it came about, and I can’t fail the separation and myself, now that I’ve got to figure out why I’m here on my own.
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